Blocked listening

You may be good at problem-solving. This useful skill is potentially of great benefit to others and it gives you a good feeling to help someone by using this skill. If, though, you decide what the other person’s problem is and rush to solve it, that person could be left feeling useless, learning nothing from the process. What seems to be the problem may not be the real issue after all so she ends up not feeling heard. Remember that the help-seeker needs to find her own solutions.
Rushing to offer solutions is a common mistake made by people new to counselling skills. This tendency gets in the way of listening and is a trait you need to overcome.
To illustrate, a person may ask you about a decision she needs to make on whether to change her child’s school. You might draw up a list of pros and cons of changing or staying put, suggesting sources of information and other specific advice. All of this could be helpful. However, it could be that the problem in making the decision relates to an underlying issue – the difference between this person and her partner about what’s important for their child’s future; a clash of expectations and values. If you rush to be helpful with your problem-solving skills, you may never get to this underlying issue. If you recognise within yourself this tendency to rush in, take time to reflect upon what lies beneath. It could be lack of experience and skill, but it may also be that

• You lack awareness of the depth of emotion in the other person.
• You’re uncomfortable with probing because of what might emerge.
• You feel good about your role and yourself when you offer a solution.

Blocked listening manifests itself as a problem in other ways beyond problem solving. If someone talks to you about her relationship with her sister (or brother, mother, or whoever) and you have a similar problematic relationship, you may assume that her relationship is like your own. You could unconsciously try to influence the person to behave in the way that you would like to behave, or manage the situation as you do, or would like to.

If you’re angry or disappointed in yourself because you can’t manage your own relationship as well as you want, these feelings may interfere with your capacity to listen or even make you angry and disappointed with the speaker. Maybe you don’t have a sister but nevertheless have values about the role of a sister and therefore judgement about how this person should behave in the situation. As you can imagine, the help-seeker may notice any of these attitudes even if you try to conceal them.
On a more mundane level, if you’re too hot, cold, hungry, remember that you forgot to lock your front door, need the toilet, have an appointment somewhere else, are concerned that your privacy may be invaded, and so on –any of these situations are likely to distract you from the task of attending and listening. You need to be aware of such distractions and be able to do something about them, which often requires confidence and assertiveness. Being more self-aware is a step towards developing confidence.