Obstacles in Helping Relationship

Someone seeking help with a problem needs to trust you before she can open up to you. You must pay full attention to her without judging her – let her direct her own path and decisions.
In order for you to be a non-judging, reliable, and attentive listener, you must develop an increasing awareness of yourself and what you’re bringing to the helping relationship. Aspects of yourself to bear in mind include:

• Your values, prejudices, assumptions, and internal ‘rules’
• Your need to be regarded by the speaker in a certain way (for example, to be liked, needed, or viewed as a capable expert)
• Your own emotional triggers or blind spots
• Your ways of defending yourself against difficult feelings.

All of the aspects in the preceding list can be a source of internal distractions to you. Do you get distracted by thinking about what to say next? If the other person behaves in a way you find difficult (being aggressive, or needy, for example), does it get under your skin and keep you from listening? If she tells you a disturbing or shocking tale, will it be too hard for you to hear? As a listening helper, you sometimes need to challenge the person who is speaking to you, or you may need to discuss the possibility of breaking confidentiality. All these examples require a level of assertiveness and confidence to carry out actions sensitively without being hung up on your own worries and concerns. You’ll be a better listening helper if you’re secure in yourself and have a reasonable level of self-esteem. However, everyone has insecurities and ways of protecting themselves against difficult feelings. These self-protective defence mechanisms can sometimes be of help, more often a hindrance, depending on the particular situation. They often (but certainly not always) date back to your upbringing and early experiences and are learned patterns of relating to others. Part of your personal development may be to expose yourself to things that are difficult issues for you and challenge any outdated defences. Undertaking some personal counselling can significantly help with this.